The Rough Draft

So a new resolution is now in place. Unless I know you or somebody who knows you and can vouch for your talent / skill as a writer or I’m being paid to comment and resolve the issues of your script, I will not be reading it. Okay, I’ll add the caveat that I’ll take agent submissions but you send me one shitty script outside the realm of what I asked for and you my friend are off the list.

It’s my own fault really. I shouldn’t offer to, “Have a look.” That way lays madness. And no matter how many times you say, “It’s going to be harsh, are you prepared for it…” They never are. Everybody is so fucking precious about their words and what’s the deal with this aversion to structure and genre convention?

“Oh, I’m trying to be original.” Is the usual reply.

Yeah? Cause from where I sit, what you are is fucking lazy. Ten pages of shite dialogue and meandering prose because, you, “Don’t want to only take two pages to explore this…” Are you fucking kidding me? You’re writing a comedy, not, “Reds.” Which was too fucking long by half. So the bottom line is that to the last few people I’ve talked to (trying to help them with their crap scripts), the, “Three Act Structure,” the structure that every story has hung on since Aristotle wrote, “The Poetics,” doesn’t work for them.

I bet Syd Field, Robert McKee and all those guys must know how Darwin felt at times. Because all they ever said is this is what we’ve seen to work vis a vis story. I mean every film on a screen right now has three acts but what do they know? I’m willing to bet three act structure goes right back to the caveman. Even Thag knew you lead off with a strong visual.

“Over the hillock was the biggest wooly mammoth I’ve ever seen. Tusks three men long…” Even Thag knew beginning middle and end. Maybe he wasn’t up for subtext but that wasn’t perfected until the Borgia’s came along. “Care for a drink, before you go?”

And my favorite is the stats that get thrown at you. 80% of all movies lose money. Utter bollocks! And who cares anyway? You’re the writer, you got paid the minute they rolled film. If the film sucks blame it on the director. You gave them a good script, what they did with it after that, that’s where the crime took place your honor. I was a good boy…

So yeah, my bad, I should know better. There’s a reason why many are called and few are chosen. Why denial is not just a river in Egypt. Why they’ll never sell an option let alone a script.

So to all those wannabe writers who don’t want to make a few shorts, who don’t want to learn the craft os structure and genre, who don’t know enough of the rules to bend or break them safely.

You’re on your own. You want my opinion, you’re going to pay for it and you will sit there and you will take what I have to give you. Whether or not you listen to me, is up to you.

But I’ve already been paid, so I could care less.

I read a lot of scripts. Some for pleasure (rare) others for work (usually a rewrite or a punch up gig) and occasionally, they come over the transom (oh no). Some are from writers I have a relationship with. Something they’re about to send out and just want a once over to make sure all the ducks are lined up. Which is fine. They do the same for me, so it’s all good and we know how to talk to one and other so you can skip the bullshit and get down to the mechanics of tuning the story engine.

But the unsolicited stuff… It’s a different kettle of fish. Most of these I can’t even get through page two, let alone page ten a few I couldn’t get past the title. So below is a letter sent to somebody who submitted a script that simply wasn’t up to snuff.

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Bravado, it’s not for the weak of heart.

Ok, here’s the deal. The whole idea of a script is not to piss off the reader. You also need to hold out a promise of things to come. This tends to be done in the first ten pages. What that means is certain things need to be hit. Usually, it means all the characters going to be involved in the story are introduced, this would include the antagonist.

I’m fifteen pages in and I’ve got no idea what the story is. I should know by the second page.

As a producer, I have to ask myself a few personal questions.

1.) Will the audience identify with the main character on some level?
2.) Will they feel sympathy for him / her?
3.) Will they shell out hard earned money to see this film?
4.) Can I convince the investors to give me the money to make this film a reality?

As this draft stands? I get a, “No,” for each question.

Why? Well frankly this script is terribly cliché’. We’ve seen this a thousand times and nothing new is being brought to the table story wise. The dialogue is wooden, on the nose and unrealistic to the circumstance. Nobody talks like these people. Nobody. Have you tried reading this out loud? It’s a solid way of telling if dialogue is easy on the ear.

This is supposed to be a comedy. That means 90 pages, give or take three each way. You need to have the inciting incident (where his life turns to shit) by page ten.

You mentioned Clerks. Dante is called in to work in the first minute of the film and at the store by minute three. We know who this guys is and how much his life sucks in this time. The weirdness starts by minute five.

Nothing like this exists in the first ten pages of your script. You can establish that your Protagonist is an asshole in half a page, anything more is flogging a dead horse.

Your script in its present state is unreadable. I realize that you think I’m a complete asshole at this point, I could care less. You want to be a screenwriter learn to take it. Few things are more humbling than a line read with a producer as he Xs off page after page with a red pen and then hands the tatters back for a rewrite they need by Wednesday.

Now this is a second draft which is good. I hope you’re not showing this around yet. Second drafts are a lazy draft as a rule. Third and fourth drafts are the ones you let the real world see. So there’s plenty of time to fix it. Rule of thumb for me is two to three years to see a project through, others take longer.

And stop referring to it as a, “Hot script.” We’ve heard that a million times and it’s never true. Try having a, “Good story,” or a, “solid idea.” It’ll make you appear humble. Producers like humble. They also like team players. There’s no time to be precious with your words when they refer to scripts as, “Pieces of shit.”

Just to round off, am I angry? Yes I am, I read enough scripts that are complete shit and getting produced to be on fire with the heat of my rage. Am I bitter, yep, and I’ve earned the right to be honestly. Getting a film produced is not always the best thing that can happen. Am I disappointed? I am, the signposts are there for all to follow but few do. Am I produced? Yes I am. Do I hold the secret? No I do not?

But I know what works.

Engaging RANT drive now…

I can at times be a hard person to be around. Shocking but true. It’s not because I have an artistic temperment, though at times I get a bit queeny when I feel the critique is unjustified or just plain wrongheaded. I tend to be a bit direct, life’s too short for me to fuck around with your feelings and in the end, I might be doing you a favor. This gig ain’t for the faint of heart or the undedicated.

For example, a long time ago, I took a Creative Writing course at the local college. We had this rather sweet girl who was sitting by me. She had a little talent but no idea of structure. Her and I were talking one class. I mentioned how I’d told a friend that maybe writing wasn’t going to be for him unless he was willing to quit fucking about and get serious as the majority of his stuff was shit.

She replied that she didn’t think she could crush somebody’s dream (she might have said soul) like that.

Do you want to be published? I asked her.

Yes, was the reply.

Then you’d better be prepared for utter rejection and people you don’t know tearing your work apart page by page, questioning your worth as a human being etc. etc.

She never came to another class. I’m pretty sure I dropped it too. Mostly because the guy running it was shit. But the bottom line here was I saved her a bunch of pain down the road. You want to write for yourself and never show the world? Great. All the power to you. You want to step on the field and get in the scrum?

Fine.

Just remember. Big Boys Toys, Big Boys Rules.

Oh yeah, the rant…

For fuck’s sake people, could you fucking wake up and actually look around a bit? Would it kill you to have a fucking clue? Read a book, listen to a radio program or watch an interesting show about something? Learn a new thing every day?

And Perez Hilton? Are you kidding me? This is news? I’m not condoning Fag bashing but there are Gay guys who want to beat this guy down. Talk about setting a movement back. Could somebody hit him harder next time (oh you so know there’s going to be a next time). Maybe hard enough to fuck up his ability to speak? Or better yet…

Just ignore him.

One of the benefits (and I use the term loosely here) of being listed on IMDB is you get hit up by all kinds trying to break in to this monolith we call film. Which basically means I get hit up about twice a month to look at this or that script.

yay…

Cause I’ve got nothing better to do with my life than read your poor attempt at a story. I mean, hey, congrats, you got that off your chest and knocked out a hundred plus pages of whatever. Lucky me. Well of course I’ve got my ten page rule which keeps most of the riff raff at bay.

I’ll read any first ten pages. It may be cliche but it’s true, you know if a script is good or bad by page ten. Most times, I know by page two and many by the first three lines. What are the problems?

Well it’s simple really.

By page ten, I should know what your story is going to be about.

The Major characters have been introduced.

The Inciting Incident has taken place. You know, that thing that pushes the story forward. Not to be confused with the end of act one.

Three simple rules for getting your script off on the right track.

I just did this for somebody, they reply with the usual, “Thanks for your brutal input.” Hey no problem, the pleasure was all mine. And then proceed to tell me that they like to speak to the audience through symbolism, etc, etc, etc.

Really? Isn’t a symbol a visual thing? Cause all I read was a bunch of mediocre dialogue in a scene that went on forever and moved the story forward not one inch.

But then that’s the difference between me and them. My guys see me, they say, “Hey, what are you working on?” They see a them and they say, “Who the fuck are you and who let you in?”

Life can be cruel, so fuck off away home and quit bothering your betters.

A good part of life is spent not telling people things. This goes double for the writing side. A producer will bend himself in two before telling you they’re not digging the latest draft. Well a good producer will. A crap producer will turn it into a huge ego thing and go on and on about how you’re not living up to expectations. At which point I stop listening and you should too.

But the above image is my actual horoscope from today. I don’t put much stock in these things but it made me laugh and that in itself was worth something. Considering the timing of such a missive, it is very welcome.

Here’s a link to the Review and the Q & A from, The Devil’s Tail screening on Saturday.

Well not really. I’m renewing my option which runs out on the 14th. Hard to believe it’s been a year already but nothing happens quickly in this industry. In fact getting a project up off the ground in under two years is considered fast. Just not fast enough for me. The day job continues to creep along towards oblivion (its not mine). I’m crossing my fingers it can limp through a few more months of existence, at least until the full funding for the feature comes through and I can execute the portion of my contract that gives me money.

Yes money, I’m doing this for commerce, not for fun. How else do you keep score?

In the meantime, I’m trying to finish up three different specs.

As far as I know, Whiskey Four Two is still being bandied about The West Coast and LA. We’ll see, though my hopes aren’t high for the project. It’s too Canadian for American tastes and I just can’t see us having the nads to make it in this country. I guess time will tell.

That’s the update.

More to follow.

You’ll know when I do.